Thursday, March 09, 2006

It's not the biggest secret in retail but I'll mention it anyway:

How To Get More Business On a Slow Day

I've been here five hours with nary a sale all day. Not a single soul lingered so much as five minutes to scan the racks. I'd been playing my usual non-confrontational elevator music selection. You know, stuff like David Grisman, Windham Hill new age shit, Putumayo's watered-down world music, local folk hippies, and various other Muzak Designed To Put Me To Sleep. Finally I'd had enough and said to myself, "Fuckit. If I'm not going to have anyone in here today anyway, I'll just play some rap for once. At least that will keep me vertical and alert."

I popped in El Da Sensei's latest album, "The Unusual" and let the bass drop. Sure enough, five minutes later I've got a non-stop parade of mousy librarian types, young parents with impressionable toddlers, greying retirees, and numerous other People Who Wrinkle Their Noses When They Hear Rap Music Like They Just Smelled A Dirty Diaper. The money started flowing in, a raging river of commerce that could not be dammed or forded.

Voila, mes amis. That's all there is to it! The second you put on some music with a beat and a bit of profanity, your place of business will suddenly become the Nexus Of All Customers In the Universe.

You're welcome!

--The Retail Finance Planning Guru


Sunday, March 05, 2006

You can always tell the first warm day after a cold snap ends. People shuffle in and out of the store like they're doing today, wearing no coats despite the fact that it's still only 39 degrees fahrenheit (just under 4 degrees celsius). They've become so numbed by the subzero temperatures over the past couple weeks that even this tiny hint of warmth, combined with sunny skies, completely bowls them over. They're tired of huddling together for warmth in their homes, tired of grey skies and ice-slick streets.

These Zombies of the Premature Spring have been walking in and out all day. Most aren't buying anything, or even thinking for that matter. Like the living dead, they know only hunger. For them, however, the delicacy is not human brains but rather the freedom to drive around with the windows down and catch pneumonia. And the freedom to interrupt each and every sentence of this entry and annoy me with idiotic questions that could be solved by walking five feet and looking for themselves.

-Mr. Grumpy


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