The Rhyme of the Modern Siren...

We went downtown today and all I could think of was Samuel Taylor Coleridge…

Apologetically, at that…

Siren:
1. Greek Mythology. One of a group of sea nymphs who by their sweet singing lured mariners to destruction on the rocks surrounding their island.
2. siren A woman regarded as seductive and beautiful.

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From the observations of Dear Husband and myself:

Bellies, bellies everywhere,
And all the pants did shrink.
Bellies, bellies everywhere,
Small and smooth and pink.

And now from The Master:

Water, water everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink.
Water, water everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink

… (from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge)

Back to me…

It’s a tsunami of flesh as far as the eye can see. Have you noticed? Bellies and midriffs…everywhere! Flat bellies, dimpled bellies, hanging bellies, soft bellies, firm bellies and even pierced bellies. I know the fabric didn’t shrink…because this is 2004, and in 2004 we have pre-shrunk, no iron, no wrinkle, no shrink, colorfast, no-run miracle fabrics. Really. It says so on all the tags. What you try on today will still fit tomorrow, even after 5 washings. Guaranteed. So what shrank? The brains of the designers, I guess…

I don’t know about you, but I hafta tell you, I’m uncomfortable with all that flesh hanging out. I really don’t like being on such intimate terms with strangers. I mean…I’m a friendly person. I am… But I’m not that friendly. There’s a limit to how friendly I want to be. And when they bend over! This tests the limits of my sanity and well being… I sure wish they wouldn’t bend over. Especially when I’m with my husband. My husband doesn’t mind when they bend over…which is probably why I mind when they do.

Seriously, I’ve grown up carefully checking and pulling my shirts and sweaters down and making sure I’m neat and covered up. Perhaps from a lifetime of doing this, I feel uncomfortable when I bend over and there’s that gap. Okay, to be sure, if you saw me, you’d probably say “why, no wonder…” But still, it’s anxiety producing when folks are so blasé. Don’t they get cold? Don’t they feel like something’s amiss? Don’t they feel vulnerable? What ever happened to mystery? Whatever happened to ‘well turned out?’ Whatever happened to dignity? My husband, who I’m sure enjoys the spectacle, says that “if meat isn’t for consumption it shouldn’t be put on the buffet table.”

It’s autumn here in New England and the temperatures are dropping fast. I know the styles are not going to change over night so I expect a lot of sniffly young women will be keeping the Kleenex concession busy. From past experience I know that even when the thermometer drops to zero or below, the young folks will still be sporting tiny, thin little jackets and not zipping them up, lest their bargaining power for attention be considerably lessened. It’s so funny to see these miserable youngsters standing around shivering uncontrollably while wearing (or not, as the case may be…) totally inadequate gear and trying to be so cool. They’re cool all right…just not quite the way they want to be.

I’ve never heard of frostbitten bellies before but this could be the year of a big change. When hands and feet get frostbitten, people lose fingers and toes… What do you lose when your belly gets frostbitten? Do frozen bellies turn blue? I don’t know…but I suspect we’ll find out soon enough. This should be interesting. You won’t mind if I don’t feel sympathetic, will you? I’ll be too busy imitating Michael Palin in “A Fish Called Wanda.” “Revenge!…” A ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…..