The Blog Of No Return
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Yo yo homey word up G.
Tim here. As if you didn't know that. Come on, I know my 8x10 is hanging over your futon. Yeah, whatever. Check out these food review sites. I certify glory:
Steve Don't Eat It: Courtesy of my parents, a link to a guy eating the most frightening items he can find. Some of them may not, in fact, be actual food.
Bad Candy: The funniest food review site I've ever seen, and believe me I read these things like they're going out of style.
A funny salad review: Exactly what it says. This woman bravely went into a Burger King and tried one of their salads. That bravery alone deserves notoriety, but the review itself is just grand.
Tim here. As if you didn't know that. Come on, I know my 8x10 is hanging over your futon. Yeah, whatever. Check out these food review sites. I certify glory:
Steve Don't Eat It: Courtesy of my parents, a link to a guy eating the most frightening items he can find. Some of them may not, in fact, be actual food.
Bad Candy: The funniest food review site I've ever seen, and believe me I read these things like they're going out of style.
A funny salad review: Exactly what it says. This woman bravely went into a Burger King and tried one of their salads. That bravery alone deserves notoriety, but the review itself is just grand.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
The passage of time has not been kind to my childhood idols. Having spent the majority of my adolescence in the eighties, I was a big fan of such Commie-hating action stars as Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Mel Gibson, Chuck Norris, and the rest of their ilk. It's a very heterosexual male thing isn't it? Enjoying the viewing of mass cinematic murder in the name of justice, patriotism, and flat-out revenge. The party had to end sometime though, and all of these guys have lost their shine a bit in the interim.
Sly Stallone looks similar to his 1980s prime, when my friends and I delighted in watching him pop Commies' heads off like daisies beneath a lawn mover. But since then he's completely lost the plot. 1997's Copland is his only truly great movie in the last fifteen years. It's sad when a man doesn't know when to cash in his chips and leave the game.
Arnold is little better, also suffering from a string of debacles over the years. It only makes sense that he would shed the pump, gain the paunch, and hit the campaign trail. What an ignominious end to a glorious career. He's gone from filling bad guys with lead to filling out paperwork. Mug for the camera, Arnold. I liked you better when you took yourself way too seriously.
Bruce Willis has probably fared the best of this lot, continuing to make a decent film now and then between crap like "The Whole Ten Yards" and "Mercury Rising." And his website reveals him to be a pretty funny guy who enjoys interacting with his fans and keeping them informed.
Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has a lot of explaining to do. For much of his career he was nigh untouchable, the go-to guy for decent action movies and the occasional refreshing dramatic turn. He was the freaking Road Warrior, for pete's sake. He's Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon! Nobody messed with the dude. Then around 2000 he started believing his own hype and things went south. I know The Passion has made mountains of cash, but finding religion is the last thing an action fan wants from their hero. Mel's just spent two million dollars to build a private cathedral on his property so his family can do church anytime they want. Piety and beating the crap out of people do not mix.
Chuck Norris? Please, this poor guy's been a punchline since Walker Texas Ranger started airing on TV in 1993. At this point he's semi-retired but still makes time to sell shitty exercise equipment on infomercials, and he just did a cameo in a Christian martial arts film called "Bells Of Innocence. Chucky, we hardly knew ye.
I have absolutely no idea where I was heading with all of this, but there it is. Age and shifting social values have turned these former film gods into mere mortals, and it's sad to watch it happen. Heck, I'm not even sure I've got that old bloodlust anymore anyway. Then again, what modern movie can compare with the sheer idiotic fun of Commando or Predator? Time to raid the DVD collection again. Most of these fellas may have found religion, but my friends and I still worship in the Temple of 80s Action Cinema. Amen.
Sly Stallone looks similar to his 1980s prime, when my friends and I delighted in watching him pop Commies' heads off like daisies beneath a lawn mover. But since then he's completely lost the plot. 1997's Copland is his only truly great movie in the last fifteen years. It's sad when a man doesn't know when to cash in his chips and leave the game.
Arnold is little better, also suffering from a string of debacles over the years. It only makes sense that he would shed the pump, gain the paunch, and hit the campaign trail. What an ignominious end to a glorious career. He's gone from filling bad guys with lead to filling out paperwork. Mug for the camera, Arnold. I liked you better when you took yourself way too seriously.
Bruce Willis has probably fared the best of this lot, continuing to make a decent film now and then between crap like "The Whole Ten Yards" and "Mercury Rising." And his website reveals him to be a pretty funny guy who enjoys interacting with his fans and keeping them informed.
Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has a lot of explaining to do. For much of his career he was nigh untouchable, the go-to guy for decent action movies and the occasional refreshing dramatic turn. He was the freaking Road Warrior, for pete's sake. He's Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon! Nobody messed with the dude. Then around 2000 he started believing his own hype and things went south. I know The Passion has made mountains of cash, but finding religion is the last thing an action fan wants from their hero. Mel's just spent two million dollars to build a private cathedral on his property so his family can do church anytime they want. Piety and beating the crap out of people do not mix.
Chuck Norris? Please, this poor guy's been a punchline since Walker Texas Ranger started airing on TV in 1993. At this point he's semi-retired but still makes time to sell shitty exercise equipment on infomercials, and he just did a cameo in a Christian martial arts film called "Bells Of Innocence. Chucky, we hardly knew ye.
I have absolutely no idea where I was heading with all of this, but there it is. Age and shifting social values have turned these former film gods into mere mortals, and it's sad to watch it happen. Heck, I'm not even sure I've got that old bloodlust anymore anyway. Then again, what modern movie can compare with the sheer idiotic fun of Commando or Predator? Time to raid the DVD collection again. Most of these fellas may have found religion, but my friends and I still worship in the Temple of 80s Action Cinema. Amen.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to apologize. You see, over the course of these past few years I have made decisions. In and of itself, this would not be a big issue. They were bold, decisive actions based on intuition, research and professional advice. I chose a tuna sandwich instead of peanut butter. I chose to sleep in rather than get up. I chose to brush my teeth with Colgate instead of Crest.
Unfortunately, this is an election year. And those decisions did not stand. I later learned that peanut butter has more protein. Sleeping in precludes seeing the sun rise in the East. Colgate tastes like shit.
And so I changed my mind. I switched over from a crushed nut spread over bread to something more aquatic. I set my alarm clock. I tried a toothpaste with baking soda. Yes, I went in another direction. I am therefore untrustworthy, unreliable, shifty and indeed naughty. For this I apologize. I am taking myself out of the running for useless blog of the year. I hope my constituents and god Himself can forgive me. I remain your humble and obedient servant,
Tim
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In other news, for those of you who enjoy a bit of the old "bubblegum punk," I've just finished a little ditty melding the Beatles (I Wanna Be Your Man) and the Ramones (I Wanna Be Sedated). Initial reaction from my fellow illicit mixers has been positive so I offer the link here:
I Wanna Be Your Sedated Man
Unfortunately, this is an election year. And those decisions did not stand. I later learned that peanut butter has more protein. Sleeping in precludes seeing the sun rise in the East. Colgate tastes like shit.
And so I changed my mind. I switched over from a crushed nut spread over bread to something more aquatic. I set my alarm clock. I tried a toothpaste with baking soda. Yes, I went in another direction. I am therefore untrustworthy, unreliable, shifty and indeed naughty. For this I apologize. I am taking myself out of the running for useless blog of the year. I hope my constituents and god Himself can forgive me. I remain your humble and obedient servant,
Tim
========================
In other news, for those of you who enjoy a bit of the old "bubblegum punk," I've just finished a little ditty melding the Beatles (I Wanna Be Your Man) and the Ramones (I Wanna Be Sedated). Initial reaction from my fellow illicit mixers has been positive so I offer the link here:
I Wanna Be Your Sedated Man
