From: Allie Hey Danielle,
Things have been really bad for me this week. I dont think i've been able to
keep down a single thing that i've eaten. I've not been able to get my feet
back on the ground since i was out on vacation with max. When i was with
him, i actually wanted to eat healthy. He was so cute. Everything that we'd
eat, he'd tell me all these reasons why it was okay to let it nourish my body
and i would eat it happily, not even thinnking about getting rid of it or
exersizing obsessively to make it disappear. I drank sugar sweetened coffee,
two fucking bites of a crispy creme doughnut, pasta and chicken filled with
mozzerella cheese, bread dripping with oil and balsamic vinegar (max is very
italian if you've not guessed) All this stuff and when i got home, the first
thing i did was weigh myself....and i lost 4lbs! So I should have been happy
right? Success, I can eat normal food and not gain 579716 pounds. But I
can't do it. Not on my own. I can't let myself eat normal with out feeling
like I'm out of control. When I got home, I weigh 108 lbs but have since put
on about 4 lbs. Lowest weight yet. I dont even have a desired weight, I
just need to feel skinny and clean. I look in the mirror and make sure i can
see 4 ribs and jutting hip bones. I look at the way my watch fits around my
writst. Its on the smallest setting and its almost to the point where it
spins all the way around, but doesnt cuz it catches on the bone. I love
that. I measure my waist with my hands. I should only need to expand my
index finger to thumb around my waist as if it were measuring tape, three
times. I know exactly how thin my arms are, my thighs are....i hate my
face, i still can't figure out how to loose weight in my fucking face. ARgh!
I want anorexic cheekbones. Fuck.
So anyway i'm going off on this really lame rant when all i wanted to say was
that, i'm in the grips of some strange variation of ana and i don't care. I
dont even binge on fun stuff. Everyone says, OoO ice creame and milkshakes
are my favorite things to b/p. I can't bring myself to buy that garbage. I
try to eat natural healthy food. A part of me hopes to keep it down every
time i eat. But things feel like they get out o hand and a salad turns into
this horrible pigfeast that I should feel ashamed off and get rid of. And I
do.
i feel like i've been walking around with my head up my own ass for the last
week, totally consumed with food and barely anything else. It pisses me off
because food does not deserve that much attn. Blah. Last night I ate a
salad and i was telling myself over and over and over, you will keep this
down. It was good for you. You need to eat something today. blah blah blah.
I was okay up untill I started talking with my friend shannon. She's been
trying to get a hold of me for the past week to find out how my vacation went
and to tell me about how things have been going for her. I have not been in
the mood to talk to anyone. Anyone. So i've chosen to disregurard all her
IM's and Voice Mails...I am the worst friend ever. I admit that. And its
all because i dont have the energy to do anything else but obsess over food.
Fucking sick. And even worse is finding out that I chose to ignore my best
friend when she really needed me so I could focus on puking my guts out and
patting myself on the back with every cup filled to the top. Shannon is
going through this really horrible thing, some guy totally took advantage of
her while she was drunk, she doesnt remember hardly any of it, but knows that
what she does remember, conflicts with what the guy is telling her.
Basically while she was laying on her bed, drunk out of her mind, he let
himself into her apt, was whispering in her ears how he wanted to fuck her
even tho she wasnt pretty and he didnt really like her in that way. HOW
HORRID! And she was so drunk she just layed there and listened to him and
let him put his hands on her. :( And now she's feeling so down on herself
and so confused about how this guy goes from being one of her best friends
one night and then now, he's such an asshole. And i can't even begin to
understand how she's coping with any of this. I"m scared for her. I'm
beyond pissed off at myself. I should have been there for her last week to
help her get through this and help her to understand that this guy has no
right to make her think that low of herself, he's the pig. And i'm just
overwhelmed with hate for myself and the way i've been acting...I didnt
deserve that salad. Get rid of it. go to bed with a raw throat, a sore
back, an empty stomach..have nightmares, there is no peace in sleep for
wretched girls like me.
I'm sitting here now with my coffee. Drinking coffee now cuz its a comfort
food almost. I think of being with max when I drink coffee. :) Before i
went to stay with him, i had given up on caffiene because I read somewhere
that it makes your body hold on to fat and its makes it even more difficult
to exersize and tone. I'm scared cuz i shouldnt want to drink this coffee,
but i am. Stupid.
Energy. Little kids. Envy. I know exactly what you mean. I wish i could
remember what it felt like to be that pure.
When you started telling me about hwo you've been feeling these days, my
throat nearly swelled shut. You're soooo tiny, Danielle! 88 lbs is
extreemly thin. Thats probably what is most appealing, tho. I think the
weight you're at is borederline safe considering you've been blacking out and
your hair is thinning. Make sure you're getting a good amount of vitamins in
your system that have protein, calcium and potassium. That will help you
feel more energetic, your bones will be stronger and your hair will fall out
less. But maybe you enjoy those things. :-/
I envy the way your relationship with your mother... Well to an extent, cuz
i know its not at all pleasent for you, but you have to admit her heart is in
the right direction. She cares enough about you to notice that you need to
eat, to exersize less. She gives you incentive to eat like digital cameras.
Things she knows you love and would adore to have, so perhaps you'll finally
eat something and gain a bit of weight. My mother doesnt care. When she
says anythign about my weight, it has this sarcastic undertone. "Pfft,
allison you're wasting away, whats the matter with you?!" "allison, you look
sick." Thats about it. Thats compassion and understanding, no? Thats here
tellign me she cares about me and wants me to get better, right? heh. Its
so crazy cuz my relationship with my mom is fine now that i dont live at
home. We get along on such a great but surface level. Thats fine with me.
Its appeasing this disorder so perhaps i should be thankful. Did i tell you
about the time she dragged me to the hospital when i was in 9th grade because
i was too thin?
My mom can't handle the fact that i'm fucked up so she choose to ignore it
and maybe it'll go away. Maybe i'll go away. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm What a
beautiful thought. Anyway. my mom doesnt think i have a right to feel any
way other than completely normal and fine. I have not experienced shit in my
life to cause me the mental anguish that would lead me to want to Self Injure
or starve myself. No one's pain and torment can compare to hers. I'm just a
big baby who feels sorry for herself. okay.
My mom flipped out when she found out that i was a Self Injurer. I never
wanted her to know. Ever. But I had lent a book called "cutting" by steven
levenkron to a "friend". He was studying psychology in college and I wanted
him to get a better understanding of how the disease worked. SI is a disease
that needs more medical research and understanding inorder to find better
ways to help people who are interested in overcoming the urge to hurt
themself. Anyway, this friend is a fucking moron who only cared about the
subject cuz he had a crush on me. When i told him it wasnt happenin', he
grew out of touch. Months later the book ends up in my mailbox. I'm
sleeping at 1pm. My mom gets the mail. Book. FUCK. My mother freaks out!
She flips through the book....it clearly displays that its my book as it was
inscibed to me from choklit cow for personal strength, understanding and
possible recovery, no pressure. (she hates cc-long story) So my mom freaks
the fuck out. comes tearin' into my room with that book in hand and she
rippes the covers off of me and starts shoving this book in my face. *blink*
She grabbed my leg and started pulling me off the bed, trying to pull my
clothing up so she could see if i had cuts on me. I was in shock. I woke
up enough to sit up and fight her back and told her to settle down. She
stopped. She looked at me like i was this pitiful person and how dare I make
her feel like this. She's like, you dont need to do this, you dont know what
problems even are. What does this mean?!!!! Blah blah blah. I wanted to
badly to tell her all the reasons i Self injure. I wanted to tell her how i
love it, burns, burises, blades, deprivation, starvation. I wanted to tell
her how huge of a part of my life it was. I wanted to tell her my triggers.
I wanted to tell her she was my hugest trigger. I wanted to totally open
her eyes to all the shit that i bust my ass to hide from her...part of me
was hopign to maybe get her to understand me, but she shit all over those
ideas of wanting to share what i was going through with her. i didnt even
have a chance. I just kept my mouth shut and told her that it didnt matter,
i have no explainations for her. i can go into more detail about how this
whole thing unravled latah cuz FUCK its 6:30am.
I have to get ready for work now, but i'd like to talk to you more about SI
and ana and how they are so closely related. Do you know why you're feeling
the need to cut/self injure? When was the last time you cut? Is it helping
you feel better? I definatly want to continue this conversation, but i do
have to get going. blah at my redundant paragraph, lol
*hugs you*
Be well,
To: (me)
Subject: sicksick I shouldnt want to exist
Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 07:31:58 EDT
Ugh, I'm sorry I didnt send you that email last night. I still have it
saved, but i dont want to send it any more just because its old and
rediculous. lol. So i'm up at the ass crack of down, i'm just going to write
you a new one. :)
I dont know what its going to take to feel any differently. I know that i'm
losing weight. I know that its okay to eat food as long as I exersize. I
know that if I gain 4lbs, its water weight, not fat. But none of that means
shit. I still feel this need to keep all food out of my body. . I shouldnt
want to norish the waste of skin I inhabit. And even tho i have my reasons
to want to....the feelign of food in my belly is more insense and strong than
my feelings to want to eat and be healthy are.
allie